My story is about exploring the gap between making a go for an extraordinary life and not having really arrived there. It’s a pretty uncomfortable place to be in. Some people are really rooting for you but they secretly think that if you fail then it’s a reason for them not to go for their dreams too, because they will fail.
It was three summers ago and I’d met this really intriguing man. I was on a soul search, looking for a soul-mate and a husband. I found lots of other things
I saw him on a stage. We got into correspondence and then met in the park to exchange poetry. We sat on a blanket and ate chocolate. I thought he was ‘the one’; I was intoxicated by his presence. The picnic turned into a long evening, he stayed over and we had breakfast. We said a prayer and he said he hoped it would be a long lasting relationship.
The following day I told him how I felt; he clearly said “I’m not the one Chloe”. It put me into a tailspin. The only thing I knew to do that jars me out of the emotion and the crying fit I was in, was my favorite hike to the top of the mountain.
It was a beautiful sunny day and there were lots of tourists around and people playing guitar at the top. I sat on the edge and looked down and cried and cried and cried. Where was my love? Why would god send me someone like this and have it not be ‘the one’?
I contemplated death in that moment.
I was picturing my body going over the cliff and getting tangled up in the trees, landing awkwardly and having to get retrieved. I saw the rescue team and the horrible event I would create and the people that would have to risk their lives just to retrieve the body. I remember thinking about the phone call to my friends and family, it would be on the news, all the drama; but it was not a way I wanted my life to end.
What was the purpose to keep on living? I remember looking down to the bottom of the mountain and realizing that I didn’t want to be dead. The second conclusion was that I wanted to be alive. I realized that if that’s true then I’d better start really living wide open.
I reflect upon that moment often. If I didn’t want to be dead and I really wanted to be alive, I hadn’t been living much of a life up until that moment. I had been hoping someone would come into my life and change everything. It was the first time I saw the control I had over my own life and I was actually going to do something about it.
I remember it felt almost offensive that there were all these people around having picnics and being really joyful and here I was feeling very alone and contemplating some very dark places of myself. There’s another aspect too, almost like I was testing myself. I wanted to be seen, wanting someone to notice my grief but also underlining my own isolation. I didn’t want them to talk to me.
I was purposefully wallowing in my sorrow and grief; and then realizing that I’d spent a lot of time contemplating death and if I was still alive, there’s a reason. I should spend some time figuring out what does that mean versus all the time I’d spent wondering why I was alive at all.
I think I was calling my own self out in that moment. I saw how invested I had been in being sad up until then. I didn’t want to hold on to that story any longer, about how sad my life was and how lonely I was.
Now I own my drama and creativity, I just don’t need it to be in such a sorrowful way.
I’ve also come to realize that my attraction to these dramatic, charismatic men up on stage was a reflection of my own desire to be on stage. My wanted to be a rock-star, a charismatic, attractive force that people feel a buzz about.
It wasn’t so much that I wanted to date one of those people but that I wanted to be that way. It was my own internal desire to be a stunning woman.
I’m still working on it.
It was less than a week later I had tickets to one of his performances and I almost didn’t go. I didn’t want to be caught standing there alone; I had no one to go with.
I stood in the back by myself hoping he wouldn’t see me and observing. I was so insecure about people seeing me alone. Then I saw that even people there with their friends were uncomfortable about being alone; they’d go to their phone or Facebook when their friends went to the restroom.
As long as I didn’t shut myself down, I saw that all I’d have to do is raise my head to say hello to a person. Everyone else goes into that fear of being alone too so how I could break that cycle would be to just say hello when there’s someone standing beside me. I could become the friendly person in this community rather than the strange girl that keeps showing up to these events by herself.
That night I remember walking out of the show and thinking he didn’t see me and then he was there standing on the side walk.
I thought ‘darn I’ve been caught!’
He said, ‘hey Chloe, I didn’t know you were here’.
I said ‘yes, it was a great show and walked away.’
I remember thinking, I should have told him I’m okay, I should have explained I’m okay even after you told me I’m not the one.
Then I realized that trying to explain you’re okay is less convincing than actually being okay. I knew I didn’t have to explain it to anyone anymore.
– Chloe Rain is an Intuitive Coach and can be found at www.chloerain.com