Dare to Tell – Day 32
I grew up in a very abusive home; physically, emotionally and mentally abusive.
Secrecy was the utmost; we were not permitted to tell anyone anything. If I had vanilla pudding for dinner, I couldn’t say a word, I didn’t think I was allowed to tell.
I have two older brothers. It was my father that was abusing us. The last time he hit us was when we left home. I suppose he’s got personality disorders, he’s extremely narcissistic.
My mother never stepped in to stop him or protect us in any way. I’ve always tried not to focus on that in my mother. She was submissive, believed that you have to stand by your man. I’ve always tried to understand her.
I was the youngest and the only girl and once I left home I had to put up with a lot of verbal abuse and disrespect. I put up with it for Mom. She had enough to handle, I didn’t want to cause her any more stress.
They live a different part of the province and I go see them about three times a year.
My father had to have his lower leg amputated this year because of diabetes. I’ve been quite involved, my mother was a wreck. I liaised with medical personnel, got the house in order.
The second last time I saw him he kept talking about going home. The house wasn’t ready.
There was one particular meeting where we tried to make arrangements. He kept saying he was going home. I just shook my head. He started screaming, “get out, go home, go away”.
Then he tried to hit me, first with his fist and then with his wheelchair.
I walked away. I suddenly thought, I’m 49, I’m not doing this anymore. I talked to the nurse and told her how we had grown up, all we had been through. At first he said “I never want to see you again.” Next day, there was a message from him. He said “this never happened, we’ll never talk about this again.”
But it did happen. It all happened. Since then I’ve hardly spoken to him.
After 3 months, I went back and this time I made a plan. I decided that I would never be in a room alone with him, and when he was rude to me I would get up and leave.
This time we were having a conversation about the house and he started getting rude again. It was the same thing, I’m not allowed to say anything else but he can say deprecating remarks tome. I was just about to say, I don’t like the way you are talking to me, when he started yelling, “Get the hell out of here”.
I said to him “say good bye to your daughter” and later sent him a letter saying that I would not be seeing him anymore.
Days later, when I finally heard from my mother, she said “you’re a damn cruel person, and you’ve done a damn cruel thing.”
She always said that our relationship would never be damaged by him. I always used to ask her not to take sides.
Now I realize, she has ALWAYS taken sides, she’s always taken his side. She sacrificed our relationship and she betrayed me when she called me cruel. But she has always betrayed me.
I confronted her last week.
I told that I wasn’t going to be abused by him any more
She got upset about the word ‘abuse’, she says it’s overused.
I’m 49, I deserve respect. I’m not going to take this anymore. I’m finally free of my father. I’m sorry I didn’t do it a long time ago.
I’m sorry for the loss of relationship with my mother; she’s always been my best friend.
As a child, I put aside her betrayal; I had to in order to survive. I can’t do that anymore.