Dare to Tell – Day 9
It had been getting harder and harder to go to work; the negative energy, people being let go and others coming into my office crying from the frustration and the toxic environment.
I believed that these people deserved to be treated well, both my team and our clients, but I had no support for this belief at all.
I had learned to survive in this place. The incredibly negative atmosphere had transformed me. I was now numb to my real feelings; I was no longer the positive, empathetic person I used to be. I used to think that these survival tactics were just for work.
It was early in the morning. I had just come back from taking my dog for a walk. I still can’t quite believe it happened.
I collapsed in a heap on the porch, crying uncontrollably and completely unable to stop.
In fact, hours went by and I still couldn’t stop crying.
The next few days were a blur. I called in sick, spoke to a few professionals, finally agreed to medication.
I knew that I couldn’t pretend any more. I knew that my body was telling me that this survival game was no longer enough for me. I just didn’t quite know what now.
Nobody knew what was going on. My professionalism and staunch work ethic demanded that I keep going and that I figure out what was next without leaving them high and dry.
A book I had bought a few months before gave me the answer to my next career and the path out of the nightmare I had been living.
It didn’t happen overnight but the medication and my plan got me through.
I have had to learn so many things.
I am learning to trust my emotions again.
I’m learning to open up and become vulnerable.
I have made new friends, previously impossible in a world where I had no ability to drop the wall of defense I had created.
I am able to connect with my daughter again.
I’m still grieving for what I lost. I had so completely shut down that when I broke down I was terrified that I would lose all that was left, my health and my sanity in particular.
I had lost the ability to feel almost all emotions.
Slowly, it’s returning.