Breaking Down – Day 9

Dare to Tell – Day 9  

Lori’s Story

Breaking Down

It had been getting harder and harder to go to work; the negative energy, people being let go and others coming into my office crying from the frustration and the toxic environment.

I believed that these people deserved to be treated well, both my team and our clients, but I had no support for this belief at all.

I had learned to survive in this place.   The incredibly negative atmosphere had transformed me.  I was now numb to my real feelings; I was no longer the positive, empathetic person I used to be.  I used to think that these survival tactics were just for work.

It was early in the morning.  I had just come back from taking my dog for a walk.  I still can’t quite believe it happened.

I collapsed in a heap on the porch, crying uncontrollably and completely unable to stop.

In fact, hours went by and I still couldn’t stop crying.

The next few days were a blur.  I called in sick, spoke to a few professionals, finally agreed to medication.

I knew that I couldn’t pretend any more.  I knew that my body was telling me that this survival game was no longer enough for me.  I just didn’t quite know what now.

Nobody knew what was going on.  My professionalism and staunch work ethic demanded that I keep going and that I figure out what was next without leaving them high and dry.

A book I had bought a few months before gave me the answer to my next career and the path out of the nightmare I had been living.

It didn’t happen overnight but the medication and my plan got me through.

I have had to learn so many things.

I am learning to trust my emotions again.

I’m learning to open up and become vulnerable.

I have made new friends, previously impossible in a world where I had no ability to drop the wall of defense I had created.

I am able to connect with my daughter again.

I’m still grieving for what I lost.  I had so completely shut down that when I broke down I was terrified that I would lose all that was left, my health and my sanity in particular.

I had lost the ability to feel almost all emotions.

Slowly, it’s returning.

Share on...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *