Dare to Tell – Day 16
My son has a good job that he loves. He’s been seeing a nice girl.
These last few months were a little better.
Six months ago he told us that he has been using cocaine for the last two years.
Three months ago I came home late one night to find him outside locked in the car. I finally got him to open the door and saw the bottles and drugs and knives. He had written letters.
I woke my husband and we managed to coax him into the house. I held him until he calmed down and fell asleep. My husband struggles to acknowledge all this; he said he has washed his hands of him.
Last night he didn’t come home.
I’m so tired of being strong.
I thought about running to the car, to go and search for him, I can imagine where he is. But instead I sat very still. I connected with spirit and heard a very clear message….stay where you are, trust us, we will bring him home to you.
A few minutes later he called. He’s in a complete mess. I asked “shall I come and get you?” He said no. His girlfriend had been texting all night, “where is he?” A few minutes later he called back and asked me to come and get him.
When he arrived home he started lashing out at me. His hope is that I’ll hate him.
I held him. He said, “Don’t hold me.”
I said to him “I could want everything in the world for you but unless you want it for yourself it won’t help”.
He went for a walk, for a cigarette.
He came back and I held him. “The choice lies with you. For you, life must be pretty awful, I don’t know and I can never understand.”
I just held him and he hugged me back. He said “I need to sleep now” and he agreed that I could burn some oils in his room.
Unconditional love without attachment is so hard.
I ask myself, “Where did we go wrong? What is the learning for us all?”
I’ve been told that it’s a long road with lots of ups and downs.
Sometimes I’m just so tired of being strong.
I can’t tell my family, or my community. I’m not a traditional Indian woman. I haven’t towed the party line; they’re bound to say “what did you expect?”
I know that the calm way that I deal with this is because of my spirituality and my willingness to look at my own space too.
I can’t have impact on my son or my family or my clients if I can’t do my own work.