I was trying to focus on gratitude.
It felt like a losing battle. I just couldn’t get beyond the emotions that were raging.
The expectation during the week of Thanksgiving is that we are overwhelmed by gratitude, but it all felt false.
Every email I got spelled it out, every Facebook post described it. They all talked about how life is abundant, we are all so blessed and thank you. And try as I did, I just couldn’t feel it. I tried to write my weekly post, I was blank. I dug deep and observed the true blessings in my life, but it didn’t help. I was feeling not so grateful.
This morning, my little boy woke up crying. He said “I dreamt a miracle happened, that Poppy is still alive.” One of my other boys heard him and started crying too. It’s been a tough week; a week since our adorable, precious dog died. We’re still trying to get used to it.
As I look back on this difficult, sad week, I realize despite the pain, I AM grateful, so incredibly grateful. It’s not a list that I would have expected to come up with 2 weeks ago, but it’s true for me today. Maybe it will resonate with you too!
I am grateful for:
– my children that remind me that life goes on
– the beach ten minutes from our home where my two oldest boys and I soothed our hearts and souls as we began to come to terms with what had happened
– our neighbors and friends that commiserated and shared stories of their beloved family members and pets who had left them
– the outpouring of love and support from Facebook friends that was surprisingly comforting
– my partner who helped me take care of the details and is always there to hold whomever needs to be held
– my family who are so supportive
– my coach who, in those moments of wondering why I was so deeply sad, said “Lisa, love is love”
Above all I am so grateful for our daily 6am walks that became my meditation/prayer time for the last 18 months. And the evening walks that gave me so much space and perspective.
I have been thinking of all the wonderful stories I tell and have told about loss and grief; I’ve been sharing them with my kids all week. They are soothing and helpful. I also realize that there is not a soul on earth that has not experienced loss. It is a part of life.
One of my boys said, “Now I know what it means to lose a friend”. My heart went out to him with the desire to protect him from further pain. But I know it’s futile. This is life.
Another of my boys said, “I don’t want another dog, I don’t want to ever go through this again”, and I gently explained that this is one of THE philosophical questions in life. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
We will probably get another dog. We need some time to recover first.
In the meantime, I’m deeply moved by this list of gratitude. Would you share one thing you are grateful for too? Please add your comment below.