Tough – Day 28

Dare to tell – Day 28

Robin’s Story

Tough

I was a small kid.  But I was strong.  They used to tease me so I got stronger.  They would shove me up against the wall in the yard when the teacher’s weren’t looking and say really terrible things.

I don’t remember the words but I remember the pain in my stomach and the bitter taste in my mouth.  It made me want to throw up.  It made me want to strike out but I knew they were much stronger than me.

I don’t remember when it was that I realized that I was much smarter than them.   Especially the biggest ones, they were just thugs and they were kind of stupid.

I realized that I could torment them with my words, show them up and make them feel really small.  They stopped hitting and shoving me.  They began to show some respect.

That’s how I survived school.  It’s how I survived being small.

As the words came out of my mouth, I saw what happened to her face.  It was as if a light switched off.  All the openness, the possibility just died.  I wished it wasn’t so familiar.

It’s happened again and again.  I get close to a girl; she opens up and starts trusting me.  I lose interest and let my mind take over.  I talk smart, I protect myself.  She gets hurt and runs away.  I never see her again.

It was quite a useful way of managing my love life.  I never had to take any risk.

Then she came along and it all felt different.  I wanted her to stay.  I wanted her to be open.  I desperately wanted to stay too.

But this time I got scared by her openness, I got caught up in her vulnerability.  Without even realizing it, I opened my stupid mouth.  I said what I always say.  I shoved her away, as if we were back at the school yard wall.

I’ve regretted it ever since.

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